For Those Days When You Just Don’t Feel Like Enough

Today, I am writing to myself. Do you ever have those days/weeks/months where everything you do seems to fall a little short? Because same. Lately, I have felt inadequate, and no matter how much harder I work or how much farther I push myself…I continue to fall short. Why? Because you cannot improve yourself out of insecurity. Feelings are not facts. When we attempt to work our way into worthiness, we will always come up short.

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus” (Romans 3:23-24 NIV).

So, if you too have been feeling a little unworthy, inadequate, or incapable…Let’s all just take a big sigh of relief together…ready? Breath in. Breath out. Ahhhhhhh. We can stop hustling and grinding to prove that we are enough, because we have been made whole by God’s unwavering, unconditional love for us! The greatest gift we have ever been given is the grace of God. Why then do we try to outrun grace? I don’t know about you, but my legs are tired. It’s okay to rest and receive God’s personal and empowering grace.

“‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

 You can walk confidently in your calling, equipped with God’s grace and unfailing love. You have nothing to prove. You are loved. You are valued. You are more than a conqueror. You have a God-planned and God-protected calling on your life, and you cannot fail. You are capable. You are seen. You are enough! 

 

Walking Through The Fire

Recently, God has been doing some major correction in my heart. For the sake of fully processing all that God is doing, I’ve decided to take some time and make some connections via blogging. I hope it’s okay if I get a bit transparent for a moment.

Lately I have been living out of this place of insecurity. One of my biggest fears in life is failure. My perfectionism and type-A personality crave control. Unfortunately, things have been going far from perfect. In March I started my first CNA job, and was genuinely excited to take the next step towards my long-term goal of becoming a physician assistant. Well…things did not go as planned. Long story short, I quit. After experiencing extreme anxiety and panic attacks, I decided that I needed immediate change. While I am the biggest advocate for prioritizing mental health and pursuing peace, it’s not always easy to make big life changes. The relief of leaving a job that was producing severe anxiety and stress in my life was quickly followed by the panic of being unemployed. It doesn’t help that over the past few weeks I have been searching for an apartment to move into at the end of this summer which has made the financial burden of adulthood more confronting.

Prior to my resignation, my short car rides to work ALWAYS consisted of worship and prayer because I genuinely needed God’s strength to help me through my shifts. One day while driving to work, I was praying for God’s presence to provide me with peace and confidence. Suddenly, my soul leaned into a specific line from the song When The Fight Calls by Hillsong Young & Free. The lyric says, “I’ll walk through the fire and not be burned, Pray in the fight and watch it turn”. In that moment, I felt God say, “Abbey, stop being afraid of getting burned.” Wow…suddenly, the chaos in my life clicked. I have been living with this fear of taking one wrong turn and getting burned. Oh how I have been limiting my faith.

You see, I find that it’s easier for me to believe that God has secured and protected my future than it is for me to trust God with my tomorrow. My future is x amount of days/weeks/years away while tomorrow is much more confronting. It’s easier to believe that the best is yet to come, and harder to have faith bold enough to make immediate steps forward into the unknown. Currently, my life is full of transition. I am transferring schools, moving out of the safety of my childhood home, and growing increasingly closer to fully committing to a career path. While I feel confident about certain steps to take in life, I am also constantly battling self-doubt and insecurity. What if I end up hating the career path I chose? What if I’m not smart enough? Even at the young age of (almost) 21, I feel like I am running out of time to meet the expectations of others. What if everyone discovers how imperfect I am?

*Cue God’s healing truth. I recently started reading the book Grace not Perfection by Emily Ley, and this statement has quickly become my mantra for 2017. It’s so simple, and yet it can be so hard to fully embrace. Grace gives me permission to feel complete in my brokenness. Grace gives me permission to present my messiness to the world and still confidently declare that I am enough. God is with me. God is for me. I can handle this. I will not get burned.

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.” (Isaiah 43:2 NLT).

The reality of living with a fear of getting burned is that it roots from a pride issue. Why am I so afraid of admitting that I don’t have it all together? God has really been calling me to humble out and trust Him. Walking a faith-filled life means walking through the fire with my head held high. I refuse to question my path when I feel the heat. I refuse to be so afraid of getting burned that I prevent God from refining my heart in the fire.

“Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it’s your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.” (1 Peter 1:7 MSG).

Today, I am declaring that I can handle the heat. I am refusing to let the enemy posion my path with fear or doubt. I will not be burned.

 

My Life is Not Aestheticly Pleasing 

A little over a year ago, God whispered to my heart destiny-declaring words that inspired my first blog post, Wrecking My Image. I wrote about how the story of the Virgin Mary had inspired me to live a fearless life that refused to protect my image over my calling. As the Christmas season quickens pace, I am reminded of these truths God spoke to me. 

This past semester of college has challenged my need to appear in control. I was taking 19 credit hours and working towards my CNA certification. Honestly, the busier I get, the more I want to appear balanced and uneffected by the chaos. I strive to be “perfect”. Social media creates a culture of competive comparison that can leave me feeling inadequate and unworthy. Tonight as I restlessly reflect on the last few months, I am reminded that God loves messy. God CHOSE messy. 

So here is my confession: My life is not aesthetically pleasing. 

1) Rarely does the atmosphere of my life look like a cute and cozy coffee shop. In other words, I’m more of a “half-spilled Quik Trip coffee while exhaustedly driving to an undesired location” than a “warm Goat Hill coffee while reading a good book on a rainy day” kind of girl. I’m always in a hurry even though I’m ALWAYS 20 minutes early to everything. I’m alarmingly punctual. It’s actually a problem. Relaxing is not easy for me. I find comfort in worry and planning and preparing and stressing. I’m thankful I serve a God who challenges me to pause and proclaim His peace. My heart finds rest in His presence. 

2) I once bought La Croix at Target because I thought it would make my seem trendy…not because I genuinely wanted it. I mean, La Croix is tolerable and definitely Instagrams better than a Diet Dr. Pepper, but I bought it for all the wrong reasons. This is just one trivial example to illustrate how hard I strive to fit in. Everyone wants to belong; however, we will only satisfy that craving when we allow our AUTHENTIC selves to receive God’s love-sealed invitation into His family. Living an image based life is empty. We have to claim our genuine, God-crafted identities to find fulfillment. 

3) No matter how many Youtube videos I watch, my eyebrows will never be on fleek. I have always struggled to accept my appearance. I have spent the majority of my life struggling to fix my body. Recently, I have found myself channeling so much time and effort into image based self-improvement. But, this is wasted energy. God hand-crafted me into a masterpiece. There is a difference between cherishing yourself and changing yourself. When I cherish my body, I focus on improving the quality of my health, happiness, and heart. When I change myself, I manipulate the pieces of me that God created in order to fit into society’s strict standard. In 2017, I plan to channel more energy into my calling than into my outfits. 

4) I have never been able to perfect the messy bun; however, I’m a master at creating a mess. I don’t wake up flawless, but I do wake up with God’s fresh mercy and grace. This past year has been filled with memories I wish I never created. Sometimes, I choose insecurity over quiet confidence. Sometimes, I choose selfishness over sacrificial love. I’m far from perfect; however, I am always near to a perfect God. 2016 has also been filled with more moments of abundant and lavishing love than I could have ever imagined! I am speechless as I reflect on how many miracles God performed in my life and through me this past year. It’s a good thing God loves and uses messy people. 

5) My relationship with Jesus is not a 5a.m, photogenic devotional. In many ways my life is more like a photo album filled with forced family photos than an aesthetically pleasing editorial. Some days, I have to force myself to spend time with Jesus despite my tired, stressed, and anxious soul (and some days I choose sleep or work over Jesus). While I absolutely love sitting in the quiet, calming presence of my perfect father, sometimes I convince myself it can wait. It’s not always easy making God my number 1 priority when I have timelines and deadlines to follow in school and work. This past year, I have learned to be flexible and frequent with my faith. I began to live in worship, believing that God was wanting to use me in every moment. As my faith became a willing walk of worship each day, I found that The Holy Spirit came alive in ways I never could have imagined. I abandoned the idea that God-encounters had to take place in quiet moments, and began to proclaim His presence and promise into every moment (no matter how chaotic). 

“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭1:10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

In 2017, I plan to recklessly abandon my desire to belong. I already belong to the family of God! I can delclare my acceptance into the face of insecurity. •Authenticity > Aesthetic• 

An Open Letter to my Eating Disorder

Dear Ed,

I want to hate you. I want to hate you like my friends and family hate you. I want to hate you so much that I cannot stand to be in your presence. But I don’t hate you, and I’m not sure why.

You have taken more from me than you ever gave, but you did still give. You gave me comfort when the world became too much to handle. You gave me an escape and an obsession that I could use to distract myself. You gave me a feeling of mastery when I watched the number on the scale decline. You gave me answers when all the world could give me was questions. You gave me a feeling of accomplishment. You gave me an out when obligation bound my hands and taped my mouth. Even when the relationship was abusive, I still woke up in the morning hoping to feel your presence by my side.

For all of that, I am thankful. I am thankful for the experiences, regardless of how miserable I was. Saying goodbye to you feels like mourning the loss of a close acquaintance. Because of you I have grown wiser, tougher, and more disciplined; however, there is no longer room in the relationship for me to grow. Like a tree planted in a flower pot, what once provided stability and guidance now suffocates my roots. I need to branch out and ground my roots in a more stable foundation.

You are not good for me. You have taunted me with false promises, and 10 years later I am empty handed. You made me a puppet, unaware of all the strings that yanked me in a million directions until I was too weak to dance on my own. You disguised happiness in a blanket of false hope, and manipulated my thinking to match your plan. Looking back over the past few years, it’s hard to know what was me and what was you. You blurred the lines so thick that not even hindsight can sort through the mess you made.

I still find comfort at times when I hear your words on a quiet night. I still see you in memories distorted to seem good even when I know otherwise. But I no longer see you when I close my eyes. I have different visions of my future where I wear purpose and passion instead of shame and guilt. I no longer find peace in pain. I am ready to blossom, because a powerful oak tree was never meant to be delicate rose. I will never say goodbye to you, because you will always be a part of my story. Not in the chapters or words, but in the font and punctuation. I am more loving, gentle, and encouraging because I know that not everyone can advocate for themselves.

Overall, I cannot change what was done, but I can choose who I become. I am not a victim or survivor because you do not define me. I am on a journey. You are not the only enemy I will encounter. I choose to live a life defined by my savior not by my sin. I choose to love God without saving any room for hate for the enemy. The enemy has been defeated and victory is mine. I choose to celebrate my God-given victory, even when I do not feel victorious. I choose to wear my gold-medal even when I feel like I am losing, because freedom in God is not a destination but a team.

oak tree wisdom